Okay. So this is exactly the thing I have been accused of.
Well! I personally believe, I am just falling for my addictions and simply wanting to spend some good amount of idle time. Because to be true, I had been quite entrapped and incalculably haunted by the ghost of pessimism. And this ghost had been solely responsible for making me “escape” from the banal aspects of daily life and consequently it became my utmost desire to relieve myself of the persisting feelings of pessimism.
I sleep all day. Noises flit around the house. Yet I sleep. I inhabit sleep firmly, willing it, wielding it, pushing away dreams, refusing, refusing. Sleep and other such futile things have become my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion. It is afternoon, it is night, and it is morning. Everything is reduced to this bed, this endless slumber that makes the days into one day, makes time stop, stretches and compacts time until it is meaningless. When not sleeping, I would do something my addiction caters me to or I’d simply fiddle with my phone, stare at the ceiling or do any other kind of useless thing. But this isn’t helping me achieve any of the things I had been wanting to. I am yet unable to find that peace/calm one usually endeavors for after a journey to the land of escapism. Because somehow this is a vicious circle being created. And I do realize that I need to get out of it ASAP.
Where did the pessimism come from?
One line answer would be. ‘I am not satisfied with myself.’
I know this is one of those worst things anyone could say. But I couldn’t really help it at that time. But a few good friends; Anshay, Videt and Mere Karan Arjun (although Aatish ganda hai. :P, but then Karan Arjun is one another inseparable term. :D) had helped me come out of that pessimism and I did. I actually did and I could feel that.
But I still couldn’t come out of that hideous realm of ‘Escapism’. Because the vicious circle had been built already. When I am pessimistic, I am a dead pessimist. I would think about 10 billion things, link them up and sob over them, for no reason of course. Past haunts. And I would let it haunt me.
As of now, I had been avoiding college (in the name of escapism) because I couldn’t fight back the constant cribbing of people around. Because, in solitude, I too had been cribbing over nearly same issues and the overall impact thwarted me to death. Moreover I was inexorably sad and couldn’t help, but appear distressed. And that I know rendered Mere Karan Arjun helpless. I didn’t want any of that. So I resorted to escapism. Before I could come out of the pessimism, I had this added burden of having made Mere Karan Arjun helpless by my unacceptable stunts at curing my own self. And so on. The vicious circle had been created. Darn!
Yes I cannot find a reason to go to college in near future. But I have to go. I still feel the need of holding onto the escapist crutch of a fantasy life to hobble through the real world. But I have to come out of the pervasive escapism for my own good. And more importantly, this is what Mere Karan Arjun want from me at the end of day.
And in fact even more importantly, people assume a lot of things. Even I do. It has something to do with the human nature. Nonetheless, this very fact threatens me to death. Because as and when I happen to think of the assumptions people (even Mere Karan Arjun) would be making, I am disconcerted. (I know I think a lot.) And I need this to end. Otherwise this assumption based theory upon assumptions would also go get piled up and would be just one more sub-station in the vicious circle.
Because I need this to end, I need to stop escaping from myself. I need to be the person I always had been. And because I can’t find any optimistic thing to end this article, but since optimism is quintessential. I would just put one optimistic quote here. 😛
“Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes. That’s the kind of world we live in. Keep your eyes wide open. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing your eyes and plugging up your ears won’t make time stand still.”
― Haruki Murakami